I'm back!  I am officially on summer vacation and after spending two days obsessing over organizing my house, I am taking a moment to reflect on the weeks to come.  I need to learn to relax but being off for so long causes a bit of anxiety.  I thrive when there is some kind of structure so I need to create my own routines this summer.  


My tasks for today were finding patio chair cushions without breaking the bank, do some laundry and maintain the cleaning done so far.  The washing machine is running and I found some reasonable seat cushions on Walmart.com that qualified for free site to store shipping.  My girls are not helping maintain the order but their toy habits are a work in progress.

Since my last post, I have continued to gain weight but am wrapping my head around getting back in to an exercise routine this summer.  No time like the present to get moving!  I am reclaiming my goal of three exercise sessions a week.  If I do more, great.  If not, that's ok too.  

In shopping news, KMart has some really awesome, non-frumpy tops right now.  I scored a great red tie neck top for the 4th for only $6.99 and a crochet embellished pale blue colored top for $11.99.  It seems the store has lower prices than the website but worth checking both out.

Have a great day! 

It has certainly been a while...

On April 1st, my grandmother went to the Dr. for a routine stress test.  She was on the treadmill for only a minute or two when she didn't feel well.  The tech had her sit to rest and she collapsed.  She went in to cardiac arrest, they performed CPR until the paramedics arrived.  

Over the course of the 15-20 minutes that elapsed, my grandmother coded and they brought her back.  She had some kind of blockage so upon arrival to the hospital, they put in two stints and her heart was beating strong.  Her brain, however, had suffered great damage due to the lack of oxygen while the staff at the Dr. and paramedics tried to resuscitate her.  

From Friday, April 1st until the following Thursday, my grandmother lay in critical care.  She sort of opened her eyes a few times but it was obvious that she was gone.  Her eyes twitched a bit and she had a few muscle spasms, we later learned were seizures due to the brain damage.  

Because she did not have a private room after leaving critical care, we decided to bring my grandmother back to her apartment and work with Hospice to care for her.  She returned home via ambulance on Friday the 8th.  A hospital bed and oxygen tanks were delivered and I prepped her apartment for her arrival.  Hospice came to give us a brief run-down of how things would proceed.  A nurse would be on call and a nurse's aid would come in daily to help us bathe her.  This, however, would only be on week days.  Over the weekend we were on our own.  

After a VERY difficult weekend full of fevers, adult diapers, seizures and some major teamwork with my mom and sister; my grandmother went home to be with the Lord on Sunday, April 10th.  

I am having great trouble coping with all that occurred.  Losing a close relative for the first time is difficult enough, but I am truly traumatized by caring for my grandmother like she was a mentally retarded newborn.  It was completely scary watching her die.  My sister compared it to watching the exorcist...seeing someone aspirate as morphine foams from their mouth because they cannot swallow.  While we joke about it, I really think we have post traumatic stress disorder.  Certain sounds and smells make me feel sick and jumpy.  I am a mess! 

I cannot imagine the amount of weight I have gained over the past month.  I have eaten disgusting food on the run from every fast food place around.  I can admit that I have been stuffing my feelings down because they are so intense, I just don't want to feel them. 
 

I have an appointment for therapy tomorrow for the first time since all this happened.  I am hoping it helps because getting through the day to day tasks of being a mother and full time worker are overwhelming right now. 

 

This quote from Will Smith has always choked me up a bit.  After a brief sabbatical in the Misses department, returning to the world of plus size has brought a different perspective than I have had in the past.  Instead of self-loathing over "failing" once again, I am noticing how cruel and judgmental some people can be simply based on size.  It is really disheartening that so many miss out on friendships and love interests with so many amazing individuals.

In honor of April being Autism Awareness Month, and for my two beautiful daughters on the spectrum, I thought I would mention how amazing all who are associated with this disorder are.  From those on the spectrum to the parents, teachers, therapists, etc...

To those less familiar with Autism, I encourage you to do some reading and learn about this baffling disorder.  Getting the facts may really change your perspective the next time you see a child having a meltdown in the grocery store and rambling about Thomas the Train (or whatever the focus of the day is in my family's case).

It has been a while fellow bloggers.  Sorry for being a stranger again.  I am new to blogging and finding balance in my life (pre-blogging) has always been a challenge.  Glad to be back...

I just finished reading a FABULOUS book...Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere.  I learned so much and may need a second read in the future to help things sink in.  The highlights that come to mind are the importance of taking care of yourself, not putting life on hold because you aren't the size you think you should be, and avoiding toxic people/situations. 

On the topic of self-care, I have been neglecting myself physically, emotionally and spiritually.  This has led to my feeling tired a lot, overwhelmed and my clothes don't fit.  I am an 18 now, which is ok, but I have such nice clothes in a 14/16 that I cannot wear.  I also have let my exercise pitter off and that is such a necessary release for me.  To help myself get back in the groove, I jumped on the treadmill this afternoon and walked a mile.  I felt really good afterward and hope that I continue getting in shape. 

I am hoping that if I stick with the exercise (again) it will help keep things steady in the weight department but my pattern is that once the scale starts going up, or in recent cases the sizes in clothing, it keeps going until I do some insanely restrictive diet to get the weight down.  This is simply not an option anymore. 

So...those of you who are pleasantly plump out there and able to maintain a size, how do you do it?! 

Thank God I have therapy today!  I had a visit from my in-laws yesterday; a once a year event, typically.  My husband gets all out of wack, acting out terribly pre-during-post visit.  In addition, my mother, upon hearing of said visit, becomes super-wicked and lashes out at me every chance she gets.  

The one positive that I am trying to focus on is that my house is fairly clean and organized thanks to my obsessive prepping for my in-laws arrival and the ironing that was piling up for weeks is done and put away.  

I am still battling my weight, as usual.  I feel like my stomach is growing exponentially and have become really awful with buying clothing like the end of the world is coming and I need to stockpile things to wear to survive.  Wearing new clothes helps my mood because the clothes fit (easy when I keep buying bigger) and they are fresh from the store so I feel good about myself wearing them.  It is quite the catch-22 because I really cannot afford this clothes buying addiction I seem to be struggling with.

When I have a bit more time later, I will post some of the amazing clothing and accessory finds I have recently made.  I do have a few things to return that were major disappointments when they arrived in the mail...a risk of online shopping I suppose.

Yesterday, I set a few goals to accomplish this weekend.  
Here is my progress so far...

1. shower (even blew dry my hair!)


2. put on some lip gloss (did this twice!)


3. wear jeans (only for a few hours)


I am headed to the pediatrician yet again for my younger daughter (the one who had pneumonia a few weeks ago).  She spiked a fever yesterday and it was pretty high when she woke up today.  

I have not yet done anything that I would count as exercise.  If all else fails, I will go on the exercise bike.  I just need to get my husband to change the batteries so it actually has some resistance.

I was off this week for mid-winter break.  I have spent the days driving my munchkins to and from preschool, eating clearance Valentine's Day candy, contemplating how awful I am for not exercising in over a week, and feeling all around melancholy.  

It is pretty hard to believe that I have some glimmer of hope at to prospect of going back to work on Monday.  Don't get me wrong...living in sweats and spending time with my girls is wonderful.  I have much regret over not being a stay at home mom.  The regularity of my work schedule and the need to dress up, wear makeup and do my hair is something I seem to need for my sanity.  For some reason, I can not bring myself to do these things unless I have somewhere "real" to go. 
 
The realization that I do not know how to relax is settling in.  I mean, to take it easy takes effort on my part.  I have to consciously think about relaxing and that seems to defeat the purpose on some level.  

I think I need to dust myself off and get back on the bandwagon of my exercise routine and making some kind of effort with my appearance this weekend.  Maybe if I put it out in cyberspace, I will be more likely to follow through.  

Before this weekend is over, I will shower, put on some lip gloss, wear jeans, and do some form of exercise.

 

I have been a stranger for the past week...adjusting to being back at work.  Between snow days and sick children, it had been quite a while since I worked a full week.  

A much needed mention of positivity: I did not do my weekly try-on of clothing last night which really helped keep my spirits up.  Progress, not perfection is my goal so I refuse to beat myself up for not measuring up.

As a married, mother of two, Valentine's Day is a family affair.  The days leading up are spent selecting the perfect cards for my daughters' preschool friends, special snacks to send to school and deciding which red top I will wear to work.  

This was my first V-Day teaching younger children and boy, do they pull out all the stops!  I went home with a bundle of cards and candy from my sweet students.  I was so surprised and it really made me feel appreciated.  Their little faces light up when they present their treats to the teacher.

Valentine's Day was something I dreaded as a teen and young adult.  It always felt like a day set aside to make unpopular people feel even more like losers...to really focus on my lack of a social and dating life.  Now, I take out my resentments from Valentine's gone by on my husband who is a complete last minute Nelly about getting presents for the occasion...as if he is supposed to dazzle me and make up for the years of let-downs.  

My husband did show some thought this year by getting flowers for my girls and I and chocolate covered strawberries.  I guess he figured having some fruit in there would make me skip the self-loathing after eating them.  He can be thoughtful from time to time.  

My present each year is cooking a special meal for my husband and a card.  This year, I made roast beef with a bunch of sides and sliced strawberries for dessert.  This would have been a wonderful evening had my husband not, yet again, come home late from work.  Instead of the special meal I planned, we ate brick meat beef with soggy sides.     

How did you spend your Valentine's Day?  It's not over yet so even if you don't have a "Valentine", I am a firm believer in treating yourself.  Why wait around for someone else to?  Get your nails done, cook a nice meal, take a nice bath, etc.  You deserve it! 

Sunday nights, I usually try on clothes I haven't worn in a while to get them back in to circulation in my wardrobe.  This task also gives me an idea of what I will wear during the days ahead.  As helpful as this can be, it has been quite a downer in recent months as I have been steadily gaining weight.

Not sure if I have shared my weight journey so here is the abbreviated version...

• battled weight all of my life
• lost 100 pounds by severely restricting food intake/choices and a 12 step program
• started antidepressants for depression/anxiety and gained 15+ pounds quickly
• stopped meds but felt worse than before so went back on...they work, what can I say
• have continued to gain and petrified to get on scale
• went from a size 24 (roughly 260lbs) to a 12
• currently a 16 heading to an 18
• less restricted in foods but haven't binged in two years (definite victory)

Two c-sections later and a whole lot of roller-coaster dieting, my body does not bounce back like it once did.  Being this size is so different than the past because I am a loose, jiggly mess.  My tummy droops and is lumpy under clothes.  This is doing a number on my already low confidence.

I am still ahead of the game in terms of weight loss and have been trying to focus on self acceptance rather than size or the scale.  I exercise regularly and eat a healthy variety of foods.  The problem is I cannot keep buying the next size up!  I just don't know what to do...

How do you approach clothes getting tight?  Weight maintenance?
I am the only plus size gal out of my social circle.  Feel free to comment as I could really use so insight. 

 

Everyone in my house is sick, again.  This time, it has progressed from colds and flu to pneumonia and sinus infections.  

On to more positive topics like spring clothes shopping.  I got a rewards coupon for my Old Navy card today and it is, of course, burning a hole in my wallet.  The only problem is that neither Gap nor Old Navy seem to have any promo codes floating around cyber space today.  Such a let down.  

I know that if I place an order today, I will check my email tomorrow only to find some amazing discount going on.  This seems to happen without fail if I dare shop without a coupon.  

So, while I wait for a promo (feel free to email if you have one), these are the items I have in my cart:

 

• The green, lace trim cami is to go with a Lane Bryant shrug I purchased recently.  The cami LB has to match is sold out in my size and at $26.50, far too expensive for a cami in my opinion.

• The grey crops are a great bargain and given I have no crops that fit me for spring, a necessary purchase.

• The striped top is from the Gap and an amazing bargain.  I thought maybe it could go with the mixed media necklace with tan pants or denim trousers.  The top got great reviews so hopefully I will be able to order it before it sells out.

• The pink cardi and purple dress are cute basics to lighten up my wardrobe for the warm weather.  They also both go nicely with the scarf. 

• The last top is for my daughter.  So cute, right?  

The manner in which women are viewed and portrayed in society is something that hits close to home.  I am so excited about this amazing campaign for women happening in the UK.  

In an attempt to "raise awareness of body image issues", bloggers are asking for women to speak out about diversifying the image portrayed in the media of women.  They suggest specifically the importance of our "imperfections" in making us who we are as individuals, and we are beautifully made.  

Disabilities, height, weight, race, etc. are things that make people unique.  We need to celebrate these differences rather than comparing ourselves to the media's image of "perfection" and feeling shame and despair that we never measure up.

For more information, visit British Style Bloggers or Nature Made Us Beautiful. 

My Amazon book order came the other day and I have been reading Lessons From the Fat-O-Sphere whenever I have a chance.  I am only a few chapters in and already am so impressed by the data used to support the authors' stance on healthy living and acceptance of self.  

I sure hope my changing perspective sticks with me.  It would be so wonderful to move on from the perfectionism and never good enough mind-set I have been burdened with.

Lesson of the day, this book is a great read!  I had no idea they had another book.  I will definitely have to put this one on my list of books to order. 

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all...

This Friday, February 4th, is National Wear Red Day to raise awareness of heart disease.  One of my fellow bloggers has suggested wearing red every Friday during the month of February.  

What a wonderful idea to celebrate women and raise awareness for this important and very worthy cause.  I am definitely on board!  I may not be able to wear a lot of red every Friday but using accessories is a great way to be a part without wearing the same red sweater all month ; )

As I anxiously await the arrival of yet another snow storm, I am contemplating my spring wardrobe.  My clothes from last spring/summer will not fit so I have to build around the few items I have since found on great clearance sales and some early fall pieces that can double for spring.

I have always been too focused on quantity of separates rather than buying clothes as outfits.  In an attempt to make use of what I already have and build around it, I am filtering out clothing that does not currently fit and relocating it in my house.  I am still in the process of doing this.  I think I need to get another storage bin to make this an easier task.

I organized my fashion jewelry over the weekend and it has already made life much easier when choosing accessories.  If I have the anticipated snow day off from work tomorrow, I think I will tackle my scarves.  I have been eyeing two adorable spring scarves from Old Navy but am trying to hold off buying them.  How many scarves does a girl really need?  ...especially with the number of necklaces I own!

The other items I need to look at are my tanks and camis.  I feel more comfortable layering under tops to create a smoother line.  I am not ready to wear any Spanx-like item but a nice cami definitely helps with my lumps and bumps in the belly region.  I would like to get some cute ones to layer with maybe a detail at the neckline to peek at the top of a cardi or button-down.

The last items I am looking for are a pair of black, work appropriate, sandals.  I found a pair I really like on CSN but they are out of my size.  Fortunately, the site offers an option where they email customers when items return to stock.  Let's just say I check my inbox too often for said email.  The sandals are really nice in brown also so they are my back-up if the black doesn't return to stock.  

What's on your to-do list to prepare your wardrobe for spring?

 

I was trying on clothes to choose an outfit for work tomorrow and was given quite a blow to my confidence.  A shirt I haven't worn in a while is too tight to wear.  That means a lot of other clothes cannot be worn too.  

I have not weighed myself in months as I have been trying to focus on self-care such as exercise goals and journaling.  Now, I am completely let down and feeling that fear of the next size with such intensity.  I am devastated.  

I would be more than thrilled to be a 14/16 the rest of my life.  What a great size to be, I mean you get the best of both worlds as far as clothes shopping.  You can shop in the misses and plus size departments!  Right now, I am wearing a 16 but 18 is right around the corner.  

What is the next step for me?  I am done with the diet rollercoaster I have been on my entire life.  I simply cannot afford to buy a new wardrobe in the next size.  I am open to suggestions, especially from those fellow bloggers who have jumped off the diet bandwagon.  

How do you maintain when you have given up on dieting?  

I am forever struggling to organize my accessories.  I need to see what I have when planning outfits, especially when trying to stretch my wardrobe.  I found some wonderful tools to assist me in this latest project in the Target dollar section.  

This first item is a duplicate of the over-the-door hooks I have on everyone's bedroom doors.  We use them for towels and to hang outfits when choosing what to wear.  I decided to re-purpose the new hook by hanging it on the opposite side of the door and hanging my fashion jewelry on it.  I was able to sort the pieces by color so it should be simple to coordinate with outfits.  This gadget was definitely worth the $1 I spent on it! 

 The next two items came from the same department of Target but cost $2.50. I suppose they were mose because they are a nicer metal mixed with wood.  The first is intended to be a scarf hanger and the other is for belts.  I say they could be used for quite a number of things including ties, purses, and an alternative for organizing costume necklaces in your closet rather than over a door. 

Once I decide how I am going to use these, I will be sure to share the pics.  I am really hopeful that these items will help in making better use of the clothing and accessories I have instead of feeling like I never have enough items to vary my outfits. 

Tina of TMinus TPlus is giving away a $75 CSN gift certificate!  Today is the last day to enter...

hurry over to her site to find out the rules.  

Best of luck!

Ariana at fatalefashion is having an amazing giveaway!  

Enter for your chance to win this stunning necklace from 

Cat Moore Designs.  

 This jewelery is absolutely breathtaking.  

A few of the pieces I would love to own are...

 

Best of luck to all who enter.  

Be sure to check out the other pieces on Etsy!

That's right, ladies!  Another giveaway : )  Who wouldn't love a pair of wide calf boots from Bennetts?  Head on over to NettaP's site to see the rules and regulations for entering.  You can have up to five entries to win!  Good luck!

Beyond the Rack is offering a chance to win a Golden Globes Gift Bag and $100 shopping credit.  You can also earn rewards for inviting friends (up to 10).  Good luck!

For those of you who did not win the CSN giveaway on Loving The Reflection, you have another chance to win on Christina's site, Randomeness a la Mode.  

I too have a nail polish hobby (addiction) as well as enjoying shopping a bit (too much) so I am obviously following this blog.  Best of luck everyone!


I have been eyeing some adorable things on CSN.  These are just a few of the items in my cart:


A rug for my daughters' room...  

 Another rug for the girls I am considering... 

And shoes for me : ) 

CSN carries some Franco Sarto shoes in WIDE!


Have a great day!