I'm back!  I am officially on summer vacation and after spending two days obsessing over organizing my house, I am taking a moment to reflect on the weeks to come.  I need to learn to relax but being off for so long causes a bit of anxiety.  I thrive when there is some kind of structure so I need to create my own routines this summer.  


My tasks for today were finding patio chair cushions without breaking the bank, do some laundry and maintain the cleaning done so far.  The washing machine is running and I found some reasonable seat cushions on Walmart.com that qualified for free site to store shipping.  My girls are not helping maintain the order but their toy habits are a work in progress.

Since my last post, I have continued to gain weight but am wrapping my head around getting back in to an exercise routine this summer.  No time like the present to get moving!  I am reclaiming my goal of three exercise sessions a week.  If I do more, great.  If not, that's ok too.  

In shopping news, KMart has some really awesome, non-frumpy tops right now.  I scored a great red tie neck top for the 4th for only $6.99 and a crochet embellished pale blue colored top for $11.99.  It seems the store has lower prices than the website but worth checking both out.

Have a great day! 

It has certainly been a while...

On April 1st, my grandmother went to the Dr. for a routine stress test.  She was on the treadmill for only a minute or two when she didn't feel well.  The tech had her sit to rest and she collapsed.  She went in to cardiac arrest, they performed CPR until the paramedics arrived.  

Over the course of the 15-20 minutes that elapsed, my grandmother coded and they brought her back.  She had some kind of blockage so upon arrival to the hospital, they put in two stints and her heart was beating strong.  Her brain, however, had suffered great damage due to the lack of oxygen while the staff at the Dr. and paramedics tried to resuscitate her.  

From Friday, April 1st until the following Thursday, my grandmother lay in critical care.  She sort of opened her eyes a few times but it was obvious that she was gone.  Her eyes twitched a bit and she had a few muscle spasms, we later learned were seizures due to the brain damage.  

Because she did not have a private room after leaving critical care, we decided to bring my grandmother back to her apartment and work with Hospice to care for her.  She returned home via ambulance on Friday the 8th.  A hospital bed and oxygen tanks were delivered and I prepped her apartment for her arrival.  Hospice came to give us a brief run-down of how things would proceed.  A nurse would be on call and a nurse's aid would come in daily to help us bathe her.  This, however, would only be on week days.  Over the weekend we were on our own.  

After a VERY difficult weekend full of fevers, adult diapers, seizures and some major teamwork with my mom and sister; my grandmother went home to be with the Lord on Sunday, April 10th.  

I am having great trouble coping with all that occurred.  Losing a close relative for the first time is difficult enough, but I am truly traumatized by caring for my grandmother like she was a mentally retarded newborn.  It was completely scary watching her die.  My sister compared it to watching the exorcist...seeing someone aspirate as morphine foams from their mouth because they cannot swallow.  While we joke about it, I really think we have post traumatic stress disorder.  Certain sounds and smells make me feel sick and jumpy.  I am a mess! 

I cannot imagine the amount of weight I have gained over the past month.  I have eaten disgusting food on the run from every fast food place around.  I can admit that I have been stuffing my feelings down because they are so intense, I just don't want to feel them. 
 

I have an appointment for therapy tomorrow for the first time since all this happened.  I am hoping it helps because getting through the day to day tasks of being a mother and full time worker are overwhelming right now. 

 

This quote from Will Smith has always choked me up a bit.  After a brief sabbatical in the Misses department, returning to the world of plus size has brought a different perspective than I have had in the past.  Instead of self-loathing over "failing" once again, I am noticing how cruel and judgmental some people can be simply based on size.  It is really disheartening that so many miss out on friendships and love interests with so many amazing individuals.

In honor of April being Autism Awareness Month, and for my two beautiful daughters on the spectrum, I thought I would mention how amazing all who are associated with this disorder are.  From those on the spectrum to the parents, teachers, therapists, etc...

To those less familiar with Autism, I encourage you to do some reading and learn about this baffling disorder.  Getting the facts may really change your perspective the next time you see a child having a meltdown in the grocery store and rambling about Thomas the Train (or whatever the focus of the day is in my family's case).

It has been a while fellow bloggers.  Sorry for being a stranger again.  I am new to blogging and finding balance in my life (pre-blogging) has always been a challenge.  Glad to be back...

I just finished reading a FABULOUS book...Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere.  I learned so much and may need a second read in the future to help things sink in.  The highlights that come to mind are the importance of taking care of yourself, not putting life on hold because you aren't the size you think you should be, and avoiding toxic people/situations. 

On the topic of self-care, I have been neglecting myself physically, emotionally and spiritually.  This has led to my feeling tired a lot, overwhelmed and my clothes don't fit.  I am an 18 now, which is ok, but I have such nice clothes in a 14/16 that I cannot wear.  I also have let my exercise pitter off and that is such a necessary release for me.  To help myself get back in the groove, I jumped on the treadmill this afternoon and walked a mile.  I felt really good afterward and hope that I continue getting in shape. 

I am hoping that if I stick with the exercise (again) it will help keep things steady in the weight department but my pattern is that once the scale starts going up, or in recent cases the sizes in clothing, it keeps going until I do some insanely restrictive diet to get the weight down.  This is simply not an option anymore. 

So...those of you who are pleasantly plump out there and able to maintain a size, how do you do it?! 

Thank God I have therapy today!  I had a visit from my in-laws yesterday; a once a year event, typically.  My husband gets all out of wack, acting out terribly pre-during-post visit.  In addition, my mother, upon hearing of said visit, becomes super-wicked and lashes out at me every chance she gets.  

The one positive that I am trying to focus on is that my house is fairly clean and organized thanks to my obsessive prepping for my in-laws arrival and the ironing that was piling up for weeks is done and put away.  

I am still battling my weight, as usual.  I feel like my stomach is growing exponentially and have become really awful with buying clothing like the end of the world is coming and I need to stockpile things to wear to survive.  Wearing new clothes helps my mood because the clothes fit (easy when I keep buying bigger) and they are fresh from the store so I feel good about myself wearing them.  It is quite the catch-22 because I really cannot afford this clothes buying addiction I seem to be struggling with.

When I have a bit more time later, I will post some of the amazing clothing and accessory finds I have recently made.  I do have a few things to return that were major disappointments when they arrived in the mail...a risk of online shopping I suppose.

Yesterday, I set a few goals to accomplish this weekend.  
Here is my progress so far...

1. shower (even blew dry my hair!)


2. put on some lip gloss (did this twice!)


3. wear jeans (only for a few hours)


I am headed to the pediatrician yet again for my younger daughter (the one who had pneumonia a few weeks ago).  She spiked a fever yesterday and it was pretty high when she woke up today.  

I have not yet done anything that I would count as exercise.  If all else fails, I will go on the exercise bike.  I just need to get my husband to change the batteries so it actually has some resistance.