It has certainly been a while...

On April 1st, my grandmother went to the Dr. for a routine stress test.  She was on the treadmill for only a minute or two when she didn't feel well.  The tech had her sit to rest and she collapsed.  She went in to cardiac arrest, they performed CPR until the paramedics arrived.  

Over the course of the 15-20 minutes that elapsed, my grandmother coded and they brought her back.  She had some kind of blockage so upon arrival to the hospital, they put in two stints and her heart was beating strong.  Her brain, however, had suffered great damage due to the lack of oxygen while the staff at the Dr. and paramedics tried to resuscitate her.  

From Friday, April 1st until the following Thursday, my grandmother lay in critical care.  She sort of opened her eyes a few times but it was obvious that she was gone.  Her eyes twitched a bit and she had a few muscle spasms, we later learned were seizures due to the brain damage.  

Because she did not have a private room after leaving critical care, we decided to bring my grandmother back to her apartment and work with Hospice to care for her.  She returned home via ambulance on Friday the 8th.  A hospital bed and oxygen tanks were delivered and I prepped her apartment for her arrival.  Hospice came to give us a brief run-down of how things would proceed.  A nurse would be on call and a nurse's aid would come in daily to help us bathe her.  This, however, would only be on week days.  Over the weekend we were on our own.  

After a VERY difficult weekend full of fevers, adult diapers, seizures and some major teamwork with my mom and sister; my grandmother went home to be with the Lord on Sunday, April 10th.  

I am having great trouble coping with all that occurred.  Losing a close relative for the first time is difficult enough, but I am truly traumatized by caring for my grandmother like she was a mentally retarded newborn.  It was completely scary watching her die.  My sister compared it to watching the exorcist...seeing someone aspirate as morphine foams from their mouth because they cannot swallow.  While we joke about it, I really think we have post traumatic stress disorder.  Certain sounds and smells make me feel sick and jumpy.  I am a mess! 

I cannot imagine the amount of weight I have gained over the past month.  I have eaten disgusting food on the run from every fast food place around.  I can admit that I have been stuffing my feelings down because they are so intense, I just don't want to feel them. 
 

I have an appointment for therapy tomorrow for the first time since all this happened.  I am hoping it helps because getting through the day to day tasks of being a mother and full time worker are overwhelming right now. 

 

This quote from Will Smith has always choked me up a bit.  After a brief sabbatical in the Misses department, returning to the world of plus size has brought a different perspective than I have had in the past.  Instead of self-loathing over "failing" once again, I am noticing how cruel and judgmental some people can be simply based on size.  It is really disheartening that so many miss out on friendships and love interests with so many amazing individuals.

In honor of April being Autism Awareness Month, and for my two beautiful daughters on the spectrum, I thought I would mention how amazing all who are associated with this disorder are.  From those on the spectrum to the parents, teachers, therapists, etc...

To those less familiar with Autism, I encourage you to do some reading and learn about this baffling disorder.  Getting the facts may really change your perspective the next time you see a child having a meltdown in the grocery store and rambling about Thomas the Train (or whatever the focus of the day is in my family's case).